Had an appointment with a BUM SPECIALIST today – my very first time so I guess you can say I lost my ~faecal matters~ virginity. He was a really nice guy and he made talking about all things poo not as mortifying as I thought it could be since I do struggle with serious chatter about bodies and functions and bodily functions.
He greeted me with “oh I see Dr. R sent you” to which I answered “yes she did, I asked her if I would like you and she said why do you need to like him, he’s just going to stick a camera up your bum” to which he burst out laughing and I knew we would be fast friends. Stage is set….
Jump to the list of questions he asked me and I felt like I was back in high school at parent teacher getting a very very bad report card.
Dr PooShoot – do you smoke?
LK – well no but I did when I was younger and if I’m drunk enough with the right people and well maybe a durry or two?
Dr PooShoot – how many anti-inflammatories do you take a week?
LK – ummm about, hmmm well I don’t know, maybe 6….. ::lies, all lies::
Dr PooShoot – clutches his pearls and gasps and says this is bad, very bad (bloody lucky I didn’t tell the truth. Is 6 nurofens a week a bad thing? I always say nurofens fix everything)
(Note to self….tell children that nurofens don’t fix everything, ring DOCS and have the children removed from my care)
Why do I somehow now feel like a drug addict with a 6 pill a week habit??? Will you soon see me skulking in dark alleys trying to score some of the hard stuff like Nurofen Plus??? It’s a slippery slope my friends.
NOW FOR THE WORST PART…..DUM DADUMDUM!!!!
Dr PooShoot – how much alcohol do you drink a week?
Now let me just state that this is a total bullshit question because of course I’m going to fail this one. So I decided to proceed with caution
LK – well that’s a tough one because it varies, I feel confident my answer will not please you very well kind sir, how about you tell me what is the average amount I should be
guzzling ::cough:: sipping and we will agree to slap me on the wrist (or the butt because you seem to like that kinda area) and move on.
Dr PooShoot – well the average amount per week for a woman is 1 bottle. (across a whole week??? Is he fucque-ing serious?)
At this point I figured he was just taking the piss….but I hadn’t had a drink yet today so was feeling a little lightheaded so I think perhaps I didn’t hear him right.
Dr PooShoot – repeats himself (meanwhile I’m begging him to STFU in my head)
Look I’m not proud of myself but I may have growled a little at this point…..so what does any self respecting highly functioning (but adorable) alcoholic do – she attacks!!!!
LK – ummm I’m sorry but I DO NOT KNOW ANY MOTHERS OF CHILDREN, ESPECIALLY TEENAGERS, THAT DRINKS ONLY 1 BOTTLE PER WEEK. THAT IS RIDICULOUS TALK!!!!!
(I mean….sometimes it falls to you to bring the Poo Doctor back down to earth with the common folk who need the wine to survive – well, everything!!!)
Dr PooShoot chuckles a little in a “let’s humour the boozehound” kinda way as if to placate the beast and tells me to get up on the bed, lie like a sick person and undo my pants. Well Docteurrrrr, don’t mind if I do (he was a bit cute if I’m honest).
He thinks he’s managed to divert my attention away from that convo but I’m having none of it so after slightly downing said grandma panties I shoot back in a semi confident “just pretend your flabby tum tum isn’t sticking out” kinda way….
LK – so Dr PS are you telling me you don’t drink?
Dr. PooShoot – yes of course I drink ::insert his chuckle here::
LK – but not as much as a bottle of wine a week???
Dr PooShoot – no I don’t drink a whole bottle of wine a week
LK – oh (blushes, suitably shamed and getting ready to buy a membership to either AA or Dan Murphy’s, I was undecided at this point)
Dr PooShoot – I DON’T drink wine hahahahaha
Cheeky bugger got me on a technicality
LK – oh you got me, haha (humouring him)….so what do you drink and how much do you drink over a week?
Dr PooShoot – I think you are being too intrusive now ~he says with a giggle! (this from the man who is going to be doing a photoshoot up my arse soon mind you)
Then he proceeds to burst out laughing and delivers me safely to the nurse who will be booking me in for said butt-shoot.
He tells the nurse that I am very intrusive and to watch out for me and wanders off laughing his head off.
Nurse wants to know what he means – I tell her and she says “OhMyGawd” I’ve seen that man pissed as a fart dancing like a bad version of Peter Garrett and some things you just can’t unsee.
Soooooo….I think we know who won this round!!!!
That is until she explains how I will be peeing out my anus once I start the prep and then this woman who I thought was almost a friend went on to say when explaining what I could eat and drink the day before the procedure, sob, well it’s hard to even say it out loud but I’ll try, she said:-
Vodka does not count as a “clear liquid”. I lost all chill at that point.
I thought “I’M OUT”!!!!!!
So the end result is I thought my report card was like a big fat F for fail (and friggin hell) but the Dr walked back past with a laugh and said my daughter’s name is Lisa, what’s your middle name. I’m not going to say he has a crush on me, I mean other’s might say it but not me, and well they might be right but at the very least I’m gonna take that as an overall A for AWESOME!!!!! (and a small a for anus)
Please pray that the POO GODS think kindly on me for my upcoming (purely precautionary) butt-shoot!!!!!
P.S. – if he thinks my internal butt looks good do you think he puts it on his Facebook or Instagram account to amaze the world?
P.P.S. Drs. name not revealed because he still needs to photograph my arse and I want him to like me and said arse. Go gently Docteur xo