(From our March 2016 trip)

The main activity for today was doing a tour of Doge Palace or Palazzo Ducale if you wanna get all fancy pants.  The palace was built in 1424 and is the magestic centrepiece of St. Mark’s Square.

We had booked to do the Secret Itineraries Tour which gave you alot more behind the scenes touring as well as alot more information.  Doge’s Palace was lived in by the highest elected official in Venice and the lower levels are stunning and decorated with beautiful art and exquisite architecture all set around an impressive courtyard.

He is always ruining a perfectly nice shot….grrrrrr just be normal you loser

I was absolutely OB-SESSED-GASMING over the ceilings in this place.  They are the most ornate ceilings I think I’ve ever seen.   Truly incredible stuff

As pretty as this was it was the Secrets and the higher levels I was most keen to see.  In the attic was housed the prison – the most famous prisoner being Casanova who was a well known writer but was more famously known for dipping his pen into many many *love pockets*.  Of course he also managed to escape so was obviously very skilled at getting in and out of things.  I’m sure he wasn’t one of their favourite occupants since he made them look rather foolish.  Obviously some poor unfortunates weren’t quite so lucky judging by the below imagery….

I was really interested to see The Bridge of Sighs which looks soooo pretty from the outside (you’ll have to google this because I didn’t get the shot because well I’m an anus-butt).  But the inside of that bridge was much less lovely – it was the path the prisoners took between the prison and the inquisitor’s office.  It’s name came about because it is believed the prisoners would look out the little window and sigh at their last glimpse of beautiful Venice on their way to the executioner ~or maybe their fibre hadn’t kicked in yet ~.  Anyway it was very very interesting 

We also learned about the Mouth of Secret Accusations.  Apparently in the good-olden-dayz, Venice was all about politics and all of the laws and justice happened inside the palace.  So in the mask below there is a mail slot for you to pop your little “secret” into.  It was used for you to draw attention to someone who was stealing or breaking the law.  You had to be wary of everyone because even your best “friend” could place your name on a slip of paper, pop it in the slot and get you sentenced to death for even the smallest slight.  No court of law here my friends.

Can you imagine this system in this day and age.  Felicia would write down Shaniqua’s name because that bitch smiled at her boyfriend, Jack would write down Brent’s name because his man bun was better and he was pulling all the chicks and then you’d have Kanye writing down Kim’s name because she didn’t ‘like’ his new Profile Pic on Facey……it would be carnage!!!!

The final thing I’d like to draw your attention to is the below apparatus….seeing a real life Chastity Belt left me with many questions.  Ummmm but look, none of them were pretty sweet ladylike questions and so Ima leave this right here for you to mull over.  But please feel free to email me your answers to what you know must be my questions haha

So after all of that learnin’ the Guy That I’m Dating, god bless him,  suggested going for a wander, getting a bit lost in the beautiful city that is Venice – just for lolz.  Hmmmm…

Now might be the time to drop a little Lisa truth bomb:-

 I don’t do aimless wandering.  I don’t care what all you like to do but I just find it useless and annoying and a complete waste of twatting time.  It makes me feel out of control if I don’t know where I am.  I like a structured plan for sightseeing.

Add to this that it was Good Friday and Venice was wall to wall with annoying tourists.  Yes I hear you say “Lisa well you were a tourist too” and what I would say to you is have you ever seen me wearing socks and sandals?  Have you ever seen me wearing a bum bag?  Have you ever seen me use a selfie sti…….wait shut up, go effff yourself.   The point is the crowds were absolutely excruciatingly driving me systematically insane.

Getting stuck in the tiny streets in a crush of sweaty strangers was not my idea of fun.  It took ages to even move a metre and actually walking into a shop was impossible, the stuff of magic unicorn dreams.  And being so short it was often times alarming and counselling-worthy the things my pretty face encountered.  *I mean I didn’t completely hate it when that hot chick got pushed into me with her dazzling boobage and my face found a soft comfy home and since by this time I felt trapped like I was in prison anyway, being “gay for the stay” didn’t seem so bad*

I only managed to move my arms a few times to capture these few images…

Don’t let this image fool you, this was before we got too far into the rabbit warren that is Venetian streets.  It’s a good example though of how narrow the streets are.

And don’t let this smile fool you – I’m throwing lazer darts at husband with my eyes

Finally – after a looooonnnnnnggggg 45 minutes of this torture I wisely inserted a few well timed tears of desperation and the occasional sob and Husband finally got the hint a bitch-plosion was moments away so he conceded and we headed back to our hotel room for a nap.

So that nap went a little overtime.  I was snoozing so long  I think it was more like a horizontal life pause – poor Lissy needed a vewy big rest after her ordeal that Craig calls “wandering”.  After some discussion, we had decided to dine at a fancier place for dinner that I had read about.  So we freshened up and headed on out.  On the way we saw this cute sign and since I was missing my beautiful Archie puppy so much I had to get a photo.

Thought this was so pretty – except for the little bit of graffiti which just seems extra “wrong” in this beautiful spot

Once we arrived at the restaurant I had in mind, I was gutted to hear it was fully booked out.  Sigh….rookie error LK, you know better than that!!!  Missing out on eating here wasn’t quite as bad as putting a tissue through the wash with your darks but it did suck.  Oh well, we found another place and the food was absolutely delish…..with a capital D however the waiters were so rude.  A girl might’ve almost considered taking off her earrings and beating down on the dude but then her food arrived and her ‘hangry’ went away.  

See I can order something other than pizza sometimes whilst in Eataly lol

After dinner we headed back for an early night…..

So let’s just recap shall we?  Today we learned about Secrets and Palaces, to be nice to everyone or you will go to jail, ceilings can be very beautiful, not to dip your pen into a spikey ink well, when you walk over a tiny bridge you sigh, not to visit Venice over Easter, wandering aimlessly could end in divorce, to make a reservation if the place is popular and most importantly – Lisa will be ~Gay for the Stay~ if she ever goes to prison.

Good to know!!!

Weather – High 13, Low 6

Highlights – learning all the Secrets at Doge Palace

Lowlights – crowded wandering