That’s right. You heard me. Hold the shitting front page….I’m buying a selfie stick for this upcoming trip!!!!
Don’t lie, we all knew this day would come….and it is so here.
Why am I getting a selfie stick you ask????
Well my friends, there are many excellent reasons, let me enlighten you with just a few:-
- I totally have stubby T-rex arms
- I’m tired of never being in photos when we are on holidays
- I’m looking for a great way to fight off ninja assailants
- I am sick of never looking good in photos that “amateurs” take because they don’t understand light and angles lolol
- I have a secret long held dream of being a baton twirler
- Mainly though….husband and I will likely not make it into any of the same “loved up” photos with some old toursity building in the background because like hell am I handing over my camera or phone to a total twatting stranger to take a decent and memorable shot
Look, I know it’s frowned upon to use Selfie Sticks. People think they are obnoxious and intrusive in crowded places. Grumpy people who are not of my tribe truly do seem to have a love/hate relationship with this little stick of awesome. They say a selfie stick makes the whole thing more visible and totes awks. They make you look vain and self absorbed. It’s a tool mainly used by tourists…..and everyone hates tourist right????
Bollocks to the haters (this includes husband lol). I BARSTARD WELL LOVE THEM and want to be a selfie stick when I grow up!!!! And let us not forget….I will not know a single person in this foreign land so there will be no damage done to my street cred at all.
On some level I agree that there is a teeny tiny level of embarrassment associated with them and that the selfie stick should be avoided on pain of death but once I thought more about it I realised it’s not the “stick” that people despise so much….it’s the “selfie” aspect!!!! Apparently society thinks it’s embarrassing to take a selfie, I hear it’s almost frowned upon, especially to continually do so.
But why is it so embarrassing to take a selfie??? Why will I look dumb??? Surely it’s my-20-years-married-to-the-highest-maintenance-husband-ever god given right to take selfies and social media the living crap out of my trip to Italy and Germany and all you lovelies are totally gonna bloody look and comment #truestory.
It doesn’t occur to husband to take pictures of me, even when I encourage him to, and I would like my kids to know what I actually looked like once I die hahahaha. I’m sure this is no reflection on how much he loves me. I mean….it may have escaped your attention but I am frigging awesome so it can’t be that. Right??? And as a photographer, it is hard since I am often the person behind the camera and somewhat of a control freak. I mean I would literally chop off a limb for someone else tp actually manage to take a photo of me I liked for a change. So this, my friends, is why the Universe invented this amazing little tool. I can’t wait to have a play.
Truly though, I don’t understand what is so inherently wrong with the selfie. I love seeing what my friends all over the country and the world are up to. I don’t need to see just another photo of Buckingham Palace, I want to see one of my bitches standing in front of it poking her tongue out. It makes it much more personal to me. And hopefully you guys will feel the same when you see me flashing you in front of the Colosseum. Years down the track the photo of husband and I skulling wine in the Tuscan hills will hold more memories than a blurry photo of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. I’ve long believed that you should always put a loved one into all photos of an amazing view, historic building, etc. It makes it so much more…..well just more everything. Noone frowns upon a tourist asking someone to take their photo so why bash and bitch when people (aka skilled photographer person) take their own hehehe.
As the mumma of two teens (pause for applause) I am constantly in the middle of social media selfie hell when it comes to monitoring them. It may have escaped your attention but this “selfie hysteria in teens” aka S.H.I.T. has taken over the world. Do you even remember a time when the word “selfie” didn’t exist??? It really wasn’t that long ago – before the Kardashian’s and a little thing called Instagram….we were all kind of blissfully unaware of all the little details of each other’s human faces. Young people claim to have taken another “no make up” spur of the moment photo but we all know it’s a funny joke *cough cough lie cough cough*. Let me enlighten you olden folk!!!!!
I have just recent discovered (well in the last week anyway) something terrifying and downright shocking….hold onto your vaginas……those young sneaky beotches posting those flawless photos of their amazingly contoured/eyebrows on point/lipstick clad faces….you won’t believe it….they aren’t being real. Yep you heard it here first ladies. They use this thing called FILTERS…..yep, these filters have magical powers….like Gandalf. Or Champagne. And they make you look alot — a whole lot better than you actually do. They smooth shit, remove shit, enhance shit and essentially “filters” are the new CRACK!!!!
Let me show you what I mean….omg I can’t believe I’m doing this and I have to apologise to my basket bitch Claire but the world needs to know the truth of the S.H.I.T….truth be told we look like strong incredible amazon’s in both photos but I think we can all agree one of these is not quite like the other, there is a certain “smoothness” shall we say in the second image and all at the click of one little MOTHER CHUFFING MAGIC button…
I want to tell the young ladies that this is as good as they get. They will not look better than they do right now in their teen perfection heaven. If they are using filters now, life is sure gonna be sad in 5-10 years for them. And I also want to say you little divas…..keeping that filter shit to yourselves….karma’s a bitch…..and it’s us old women who have barstard well shot a human out of our fanjos, who have barely slept for over a decade, who put up with all your teen moods and tantrums – it’s us that should get exlusive rights and use of Filters. Lordy knows we deserve it…..!!!
(get ready to see my whole Insta account be re-imagined with filters over the coming weeks hehehe)
But…..until I can have a filter running across my whole life and until society tells me selfie sticks are indeed cool…..I have champagne and cake!!!!!!!!!!!
P.S. Selfie stick being purchased tomorrow…stay tuned for some practice shots hehehe.
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