Sooooo, I’m sure you are all waiting with bated
garlic breath…..did that bitch of a zipper go up or not????
Well let me start at the start okayyyyy…..
Woke up yesterday morning and preceded to feel nauseous about what a long day of hunger pains and anxiety it would be unti “dress o’lock” would roll around. To keep myself busy I did lots of stuff, none of which involved contributing to world peace, lots of which included running children to work, basketball, and general hot stuff like washing, tidying….the kinda day we all have as mummas. Many messages of support and laughter came through – wishing me luck – and some of my nastier friends sent less encouraging vibes hehehe.
Finally my makeup and hair were done and the minute hand clicked over to 5.30pm. Dum dum dum dum…..
As I dabbed the sweat off my brow I began to tackle “spanx-everest”. Let me tell you ladies…..alot of scaffolding, moulding of rolls of fat, adjusting of saggy boobs etc etc went on. It was an epic scene of wiggly-jiggly-ness, all to the soundtrack of “I like big butts and I cannot lie” hahaha.
Finally dress on, zipper in hand, I said a few hail mary’s and was about to get down to business when Craig chose that moment to enter the bedroom when I had given him specific instructions to stay out. He was met with a look that was something like this. The “get out” wasn’t implied, it was yelled!!! (in a polite sweet way of course)
AAANNNYYYway – after much huffing and puffing, I am pleased as punch to say that the starvation diet worked. The zip did up and it appeared it would hold.
This was in no way a handshake situation! This was a fist bumping, high fiving, arse slapping situation!!!!!
YEAH YEAH YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Heels and earrings on and it was time to survey the final look in the full length mirror of doom or as I fondly call it “the dream crusher”.
And you’ll never guess what I saw….
I wouldn’t go so far to say I was smokin’ hot or anything but I did say to myself:-
“Lisa, my love, you are not completely unfortunate looking this evening”.
So with a great sigh of relief because I knew I was only mere hours away from eating the first real meal I’d had for what felt like 28 months – we left to go to Elijah’s fundraising dinner.
Since I was feeling a bit “spesh” and husband had thrown on something, well who cares what he was wearing, I wanted to get a photo with him. Wow, that was like a trip through hell in itself. He didn’t want a photo, I did so we got a photo. But he thought he might make himself look more attractive by pulling an ugly face of “please don’t make me do this in a crowded bar”. Does the man not know me at all. I could care less if he’s looking crap-tastic, if people are watching, whatevs. You can see in this picture below I was just all about me and couldn’t have cared less what he was doing hehehehe. (sorry for the grainy pic, the bar was filled with not so attractive old people and the management were clearly going for “mood” lighting before the shandies kicked in)
This is my hot chick basket bitch, she scrubbed up pretty damn fine as well. Yeah I know, she’s been hit by the ugly stick a little, but I like to hang around with those less fortunate than myself lol. It’s just the kind of person I am…
Here are some of the coolest sweetest and crazy chicks I know. Love all the millions of basket bitches in my life so much, this is just a small sampling of them….(basket being short for basketball for the 2 non basketball people reading this lol)
This is Elijah’s father making the most incredibly touching speech – and that is his family-of-awesomeness in the background. I have to say I didn’t expect them to attend the dinner and I did get a little teary when I first saw them there. What an inspirational family they are…
Of course champagne was flowing, the BEST BAND EVER were playing the BEST 80’S SONGS EVER and I may have gotten best on ground for hardly leaving the dance floor. When the band played Hit me with your Best Shot by Pat Benatar, I think I may have peed a little in excitement. I had a little bit of food to soak up some of the bubbles but ultimately it all catches up and because I’m always so fancy and shit, as are my friends…this was pretty much how the evening panned out
What a cracker of a night!!!!!!! Had an absolute blast and as always I was worried about nothing. Husband always says I invent things to worry about and that may be true but the bitch zipper did up and held and I partied like a rockstar!!!!
And the absolute best best best bit……$45,000 was raised for Elijah and his family. People are pretty great sometimes!!!!
Lady out xoxo
P.S. Spanx alot for your love and support my lovelies xo
P.S.S. The quality of the photos suck, stupid phone lol