Okay so my second post to the blog has absolutely nothing to do with the trip. It was bound to happen…..so sue me!!!!
Tomorrow night I am attending a fundraising dinner. Apparently this means you have to frock up. Who knew???? I don’t like to frock up, I don’t do frocking up, most days I can barely manage to brush my hair so the thought of this whole thing fills me with dread. I hardly ever wear a dress and the whole concept of a fancy number is completely foreign-tastic to me. And who the hell actually knows what “cocktail attire” even means. Should it be sparkly-short-long-boobs out-boobs in-plain-drag queen OTT??? Even thinking about what would be an appropriate dress had me sobbing in the corner. I started by sending some ideas to my Diva of some options I found online. She said “muuuuummmmm, they are all black and they are all old lady dresses”. Ummmm, yeah because I only wear black and yeah because I’m old. Get with the program lady. She says “what about something red?” Ummm, what the…? Does she not know me at all because I would rather die than wear something bright that would bring attention my way and draw stares. Shudder!!!! So as usual the Diva was zero help.
I decided since it all was making me so anxious I needed to be super duper organised and went out and got myself a dress a month ago. Found it pretty quick thank the good lord above. It’s a quiet and understated dress (just like my personality lol) and I don’t hate it. And yes it’s black…..get over it!
Whew, the pressure was off right? Wrong…..
The only little tiny glitch about the dress was it was, well it’s kinda tight. Normally I would never wear anything tight. I mean hate wearing tight clothing – when I do the self-conscious fairy sits on my shoulder the whole time screaming “WTF are you wearing, people can see every tiny flaw” so I tend to avoid this kind of drama. But in a weak moment standing in the Myer changerooms in the middle of Boxing Day sale hysteria wanting the nightmare to end I thought, hey I’ve got a month, I’ll just lose a few kgs….pfffft this will be piss easy. That zipper will zoom up no problems.
Jump to today, the eve of the dinner and can we just say #toomuchboozeinJanuary
That zipper does not zoom up quite as I had anticipated. In fact earlier this week there was a doubt as to whether it would go halfway up. Shit!!!!!!!
So this week has been spent starving myself (I lie), laying off the champagne (lying again) and exercising like crazy (this is true). Tomorrow at 5.30pm please send me your prayers as I squeeze on the Spanx which they say brings you down 1 whole size, if I put 3 layers of Spanx on does that mean I can drop 3 sizes???? Gawd I hope so. Anyway, as I said chuck me a little positivity tomorrow at 5.30pm, cross fingers and toes, a collective sucking in of the stomach muscles may help too and let’s hope this bitch of a dress does up.
and that the zip doesn’t break
I am totally hyperventilating just thinking about it – know that nothing will be passing my lips all day tomorrow in the lead up to “Zippergate”. And I think we all know this should end well once I start drinking champagne at the event. I mean I’m so good with the bubbles on an empty stomach, add in intense social anxiety and I’m bound to keep it classy bahahaha….not!!!!!!
If you don’t see any pictures of me on social media tomorrow night you will know the horrific truth. Since I’ve put it out there on the blog now everyone will experience my fat shame right along with me. Hopefully you’ll laugh with me and not at me…..ahhhh who am I kidding, if this bloody dress doesn’t fit it’s all my own fault and you should ridicule me publicly – (and throw donuts) hahaha.
(anyone reading this who has some dresses that they think would fit me please message me hehehe) #jokingnotjoking
Now back to the reason for the fundraiser which is not a laughing matter in any way. The fundraising dinner is for an incredible young man, Elijah Arranz who was in a horrific parachuting accident 2 months ago. He survived the accident but unfortunately his instructor did not. Elijah is still in hospital in Sydney, was in a coma for 6 weeks and is only now starting to make some positive improvements much to his incredible parents Jose and Robin’s relief. Some wonderful people have organised this event and the amount of spectactular items that have been donated to be auctioned off is amazing!!!! So many people are attending, it’s bound to be a fabulous night filled with fabulously dressed people (and me, standing there in a muu-muu because that’s all that would fit me).
All silliness aside, I’m just happy that Elijah is improving every day and to be a part of an evening raising money to help his family – but that boy better know that once he is feeling better he needs to show his appreciation for my frocking up efforts…..I will require a foot rub, at the very least!!!!!
Okay off to do more exercise and see if I can let the seams out of the dress….
Love love to you all,
P.S. You better know for damn sure that Sunday will be spent with me lying on the couch scoffing pizza, chocolate and potato chips – whilst skulling champagne – I will be braless and in PJs. So unless you think that’s a hot look, don’t call around to say hi ok!!!!!!
P.S.S. What’s Craig wearing to the dinner I hear you ask? Who the hell cares, I certainly don’t, it’s all about me right lol