(From our March 2016 trip)

So picking up where I left off – overnight train travel is not romantic, it is not conducive to sleep, you may get robbed and basically the whole thing can get forked…..but let’s not keep blabbing on about it (who am I kidding, I wrote a whole blog post whining about it).

It’s now 7am on Easter Sunday and we are finally in Munich….with under eye bags resembling something attached to a man’s crotchal area (was that a crime to your imagination right there?), we hail the only cab that was at the station.  Picture this if you will…..a woman cab driver that is old enough to be Betty White’s grandma sitting behind the wheel of a cab so ancient you had to crank the engine with a handle at the front.  My goodness, we ain’t in Kansas or any civilised place anymore Ima thinkin.  To add old insult to old injury this living breathing relic did not appear to know where anything was in Munich.  Our hotel was right next to the Viktualienmarkt which is a very famous food market in the heart of Munich but alas nope nadda.

Eventually we found our hotel called Hotel Am Markt the location was incredible.  Right next to the market and literally a 2 minute walk from the main city square.  The outside at least lived up to the hype and was super pretty and had a real Bavarian cute look about it.

That’s where the cute ended.  Inside was a completely different 70s style story.  Next up was our room.  Look the pros were it was very clean, it was spacious, location of hotel was exceptional, great price, it had everything you need I guess……but man oh man everything about this `50 Shades of Pine` room screamed missionary sex whilst listening to Enya  ~oh well hubster, sucks to be you.  You’ll have to be on independent activity whilst here~

We dumped our bags and then headed straight back out (on foot this time, much quicker).  We wandered through the beautiful Marienplatz which is the main square of Munich and dates back to the 1100’s.  It was actually pretty wonderful to walk through here so early because it was deserted and you really got to breath it all in.  The square originally was home to medieval markets and tournaments but now it is full of amazing shopping.  You can bet husband was drooling like a kid in a candy store to come back here when the shops were open and buy himself something pretty.

The most striking thing to see in the square is the Glockenspiel.  It really is quite something to see and at 11am each day it chimes and re-enacts two stories from the 16^th century.  It has 43 bells and 32 life-sized figures.  The top half of the Glockenspiel tells the story of the married of a local duke.  Not just any duke though – the guy that founded the famous Hofbrauhaus brewery so you can see he is definitely a dude that the Germans would want to celebrate with much fanfare and glitter.  The bottom half tells the story of the coopers (barrel makers) who twirl and dance…I’m guessing this dance was invented after they drank too much of what they were putting in the barrels but I could be wrong???  Jokes it’s to do with luring the locals back out to public places after the plague but my idea was way more fun.  Anyway enough of me giving you actual historical info and teaching you stuff….ewwww who am I becoming.

We headed back to the train station to meet our tour guide that was going to take us to see the Dachau Concentration Camp.  I will write about this in more detail in a separate post because I really don’t think my silly writing shenanigans are appropriate when discussing such a serious and horrifically sad place.  Click here to read about our moving visit to Dachau…..Visiting Dachau Concentration Camp.

ANNNYYYYYWWWWWAAAAYYYYYY, after Dachau it was time to wash away the guilt and horror of how disgusting humans can be to each other.  So on your first day in Munich where else do you head to bathe in alcohol but to the famous beer hall itself – pause for drumroll, marching band and cannons……

HOFBRAUHAUS!!!!!

This place did not disappoint one little bit my loyal subjects.  It is mad as hell – pure chaos dipped in sprinkles of fun, filled with big glasses of HELL YES!!!!   In some ways it was like “coming home”.  I believe I heard angels singing hallelujah as I entered through the pearly gates doors.  As you may know, or think you know (bloody smartasses) I’m very partial to the bubbly stuff of an evening, or anytime it’s 5 o’clock somewhere or just breakfast.  But I am also partial to a glass of beer and this god of beer halls isn’t dicking around.

The beer hall is lined with wooden tables that would probably house at least 1000 thirsty folk and you quickly pick up on the fact that there is no such thing as a private table.  Once you see an open spot on a table – you enter into a full contact sport with other parched patrons to secure your bit of wooden bench.  Two people at a table for 6 is an invitation for 20 more folks to join you.

After a few steins of beer and a grunt you realise you are drinking the nectar of the gods.  Drink this stuff and you will LIVE FOREVER.  Probably.  I mean without a word of a lie after I downed one of these I could suddenly speak German – and was able to pull a plough!!!

To the catchy beat of the live oompah band we found a table and proceeded to try and engage the eye of someone who may be able to hook a girl up with some brew.  So the big burley guys in the lederhosen take your order but they are clearly proving that awesome truth that they are the weaker sex because they don’t deliver your beers to you.  HELL NO!!!!!  That is reserved for true super heroes…..BARMAIDS in their DIRNDLS!!!!

These incredible beer bitches are something to behold.  I don’t know what I was in awe of most:-

• That they were able to carry 10 litres of beer at a time, yes my sexy friends. You heard me, they carry 6 x 1Litre steins in each hand.  I mean….BITCH PLEASE!!

• Or how “buoyant” their boobage was. With my own tittages resembling used condoms these days I was very impressed with the perkiness of these ladies, and even the crusty older kinda mean weathered gals, had the most incredibly round “reach for the sky” boosies you ever did see.  Those Dirndl dresses sure do help to accentuate the good lady parts and it’s fair to say I now own one in each colour to be worn on special occasions ~ like Wednesdays~.  The dresses are like a combo of “who whore it best and disney princess”.  A heady confusing mix – not gonna lie, I was a little turned on!  Even the ugliest ones began to look pretty (perhaps that was the beergoggles I was wearing?)

Thanks google for the imagery

The beer hall building itself was incredible with domed ceilings and hand painted walls.  The ground floor is for #allthenoise and #allthebeerswilling.  The top floor is now a museum however it was actually where Hitler founded the Nazy Party in 1920 and gave his first speech.  So there’s that.  I obvs prefer the ground floor for the drinking rather than the top floor for the evil Hitler stuff lol.

RANDOM BEER FACT No. 1:- Germany has some pretty strict rules when it comes to the making of beer.  They do not mess around with the liquid gold.  The 500 year Purity Law stipulated that the beverage may only contain water, hops, malt and yeast so it’s all natural ingredients.  The law changed in 1987 – however most brewers in Germany still follow this traditional recipe.

RANDOM BEER FACT No. 2:- Unlike here in Australia, it’s perfectly legal to drink alcohol in a public place.  So if you want to take a swig or two on the train, wandering along the street shopping, taking your kids to the park, walking them to school at 8am….you just bloody well go for it guys.  And no paper bag is required.  Gotta love a good non-judgey mcjudge country like this.  (how do I get a visa)

RANDOM BEER FACT No. 3:- In Germany they consider beer to be a basic food, not a drink.  I’m not even joking you guys, it’s a food group (did I mention I’m moving)

RANDOM BEER FACT No. 4:- I’m not sure whether this was just at Hofbrauhaus or all beer halls but during the day you can order a half litre stein or a 1 litre stein.  I ordered the half litre because well I’m a lady and shit.  Anyway, after I finished my first beer we then ordered a second round but the guy said, only 1 litres after 5pm.  WHAT THE WHAT NOW????   I could not even lift that puppy up.  How on earth do those barmaids (beermaids as I came to know and love them) carry 6 in each fist???  They must have boobs of steel and will forever be super hero legends to me and in my nighttime sleepy fantasies.

Now so far this trip has been 3 parts marital bliss and 1 part booze to smooth out any other rough edges but we were just about to hit a bump in the loved up relations road.  I wanted to stay and people watch at the beer hall because well…..beer, 167+ different nationalities crowded together getting drunk and well, beer.

PEOPLE WATCHING HEAVEN!!!!

But nope – poor baby hubby was ‘tywerd’ and wanted to go home to sleepy-byes.  Grrrrrr so I did what any loving wife would do, I cracked the sugartits shits and proceeded to stomp home in silence.  Hahaha, looking back I should’ve said hit the road Jack and don’t you come back and I could’ve stayed on but in my “martyrdom meltdown” I forgot to be a grown ass woman, stand my ground and tell him to get forked.

Anyway, it had been a long day so we headed to sleepzzzz.  That’s it for today’s update.

Yours from the trenches of marital war xo

TONIGHT THE WINNER WAS BEER!!!!!

Highs – beer, beermaids, Munich in general

Lows – Dachau (but so interesting), husband being a boring douchelord

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