For most women who have spawned….we all look forward to this day right????  Happy Sweet Mother Of Christ Day!!!!

Hmmmm, it’s a mixed bag agreed????  I mean yeah it’s nice to have a day dedicated to us Mummazons, well….because we are AWESOME!!!!!!…..but it’s kind of a double edged sword if you ask me.  I think the men/women in our lives and the ungrateful ingrates that we shot out our vaginas/adopted/somehow got stuck with – don’t fully appreciate what we, as incredible women, want from Mother’s Day.

I think I can safely speak for all the Mummazons in my life on this subject when I say…..we want to sleep in, not cook or clean anything and not spend the day with children.  Simple request really….why does nobody who claims to love us, understand this????   That’s pretty much about it folks!!!

I have a few more things to say about my and other Va-Jay-Jay bearers “special day”.  Let’s see if some of these random Mother Chuffing Thoughts resonate ladies….

• That guy I’m seeing and the feotuses think they are doing me a favour when they wake me up early and bring me homemade holy dick-farting craft disguised as presents, burnt toast, pov coffee and morning breath kisses –  whilst I try to catch up on my much needed beauty sleep in my “haven’t been washed for months” sheets

• This day makes me remember the long gone days of a flat and firm stomach, boobs that didn’t tickle the grass when I run, a bladder that could hold liquid for longer than 5 minutes and a GP who didn’t continually declare me morbidly obese

• This day every year I want to haul my saggy arse to church and thank the Jesus of Pregnancy for sending us mere mortals the gift of….well….Evil Spawn!!!!! (and wine, always thank Jesus for wine!!!)

• Things you should know about owning teenagers…..finger pointing, eye rolling, door slamming and soul crushing comments are the new norm

• Foxtel, Netflix and any other long term people watching medium is something you need to not only subscribe to but perhaps buy shares in.  TV is your greatest friend as a means of sanity as a parental unit.

• The tantrums are not as few and far between as you may have hoped as the kids (or daddas) get older

• Champagne is the greatest parenting tool ever (for you, not for the minors…probably)

• You may have thought that the slight inconvenience of a human person tobogganning through your uterus would grant you the right of love and respect forever…..not so much!

• From the day the darling sweethearts can walk and talk the Parental Hatefest and Prison Rules are game on bitches!!!!

• It would not be the worst idea to count the kitchen knives before going to bed….

• What’s that saying….walk a mile in another mother’s moccasins hahaha….don’t judge!!!

• Sleep is GOD!!!!  Yours and theirs and however and wherever this occurs does not matter (and if some medicinal help is required for you and them I say more power to ya bitches)

Okay so now I’ve imparted so much incredible mumma-frakking wisdom to the cyber world I have a real time Mother’s Day story for you.  It’s a bit gag worthy and well you know how I hate to say nice things about husband but here goes….shudder.

When we were in Bologna, Italy recently, on the day of our 20th wedding anniversary we were sitting in the quaint little library/reading room of our hotel having a relaxing nightcap before heading to bed.  We were sitting in these lovely reading chairs in front of the fireplace sipping our drinks and chatting about our incredible day and on the mantle they had all of these beautiful lit candles.  I absolutely adore scented candles and the ones they were burning were especially lovely and nostril worthy.  I must have made some comment about it at the time because they truly were special and beautiful.  Anyway, jump to tonight, Mother’s Day Eve.  Diva is sleeping over at boyfriends house, Feral son has 2 mates sleeping over and I am in the studio with clients in the morning so husband decides we will do Mother’s Day presents tonight.  It’s probably more to do with him not being able to keep a secret and wait than wanting me to open presents with all the fam here but hey I will never argue about when to open gifts hahaha.  And as anyone who knows me well knows, I’m not a big one for fancy gifts, and definitely am not appreciative of too many.  I prefer kisses, hugs, food and a general outpouring of words and love than gifts.  I’m a bit naughty in my everyday life….if I want something I buy it so getting me a gift can be a challenge (sorry people who love me and want to buy me gifts hahahaha).

So I open the first present and well, I try not to tear up (get ready for the gag-fest).  The “uterus dwellers” don’t quite get it but husband and I do…..it’s 2 beautiful candles, the same ones as they were burning in Bologna on our wedding anniversary.  Somehow he remembered I loved them, remembered the brand of them and sourced the exact ones in Australia and now I am the proud owner of super duper sweet smelly candles that make me remember and smile.  (you all get that it’s not about the candles right?  it’s about husband remembering I loved these random candles in Bologna Italy and finding the exact right ones, he’s bloody good like that).  I won’t declare neverending love here in public but yeah, it’s a bit cute….just sayin’.  I’ll keep him….

Next gift is a coffee mug, well hello, can’t go wrong there, but not just any coffee mug but a Mickey and Minnie kissing coffee mug….you had me at hello Disney love!!!!  Yep I’m an unashamed Disney loving card carrying loser….

Last present is new Adidas sneakers which husband would not normally buy me…..like ever….because well…don’t tell me what to wear bitch….but they are super duper awesome-licious and when I am running down the mountain this week I am going to look smokin’ hot!!!!

Tomorrow we are going out for a yummy lunch with amazing friends and then Diva is cooking dinner and well…..is it gross and too Hallmark card to say my cup runneth over????  Life is good and being a mummy is not the worst thing in the world.  In fact it’s pretty bloody fantastic for the most part (when they aren’t being shits lol).  I hope upon hope to get a photo of me with the babies tomorrow so stay tuned.  If you hear nothing or see nothing it’s because someone yelled, tears were shed and/or perhaps someone was escorted off to prison.  Anything goes when we all get together but hopefully a cute photo is the end result!!!

Overall I truly believe that most of the time we Mummazons are doing our very best….and our best is AMAZEBALLS!!!!!!!

Love to all my mummy loves xoxoxoxo