(From our trip in April 2018)

WARNING – my loves – there’s going to be some swearing in this post.  Lots and lots of it in fact.  There’s going to be some ranting and raving, a bit of self pity (I’m throwing a pity party actually) and did I mention a whole truckload of F’s bombs will be dropping.  I usually just skirt around the edges of being foul mouthed on the blog but today, well today I’m diving right into the ocean of mcsweary and generally leaving my ladylike manners at the door – so brace yourselves!!!

If you don’t like potty mouth words then this is not the blog post for you so please leave the building in an orderly and swift manner…….I’ll wait…….okay the profanity police have left so let’s get on with this little highlight real of the “Disney fuckening”

~I’m not going to sugarcoat shit – I’m not Willie Wonka!!!~

(I read this saying somewhere recently and fell gloriously and instantly in love with it.  Expect to see this phrase here on the blog OFTEN)!!!

So….as an experienced Disney prince and princess, we knew to be up super early  and heading towards the bus well before the park opened at 9am.  We wandered down to the bus stop outside the hotel at 7am.  Sounds like we are crazy keen right????  Well that’s just what you have to do to get into the parks early so you don’t have long lines and crazy crowds.  We got this Disney stuff down!!!!

Ummmmm that would be a WRONG!!!!!  We don’t got this Disney stuff down ::clearly:: because we encountered about 300 of our closest friends trying to catch that same 7am bus.

Ruh Roh!!!

Could this be a sign of things to come.  You bet your sweet *used to be perky* ass it was a sign.

We eventually got on the bus and I tried to shake off the nagging voice in my head that something was a little, shall we say OMINOUS on the horizon.

We rounded the corner to see the cattle yard barricades that looked so harmless yesterday – now looking like metal railings of my Disney dreams dying.  Look at those crowds on the horizon…

What in the trailer park is this shit???  The park doesn’t open for another hour and a half.  How are there already SOOOOOO many people here *trampling all over my dreams*.

So we stood mooing our way through the cattle yards for 50 mins just to get to “security”.  That 50 mins was where the first crack started appearing in my happy face.

Serenity now Lisa, Serenity Fucking now…..moo!

After security we stood in line for another 1 1/2 hours – without even a metre of movement towards the actual gates.  This is starting to manure all over my disney dreams my friends….actually it’s like a dump truck of faeces has backed up and dumped the whole load over my head.  Noone in this goddamn line gives a decimal shit how far I’ve travelled for this experience and I’m trying REAL HARD not to let my crazy shine bright like a diamond.

And let me tell you – you may think you’re married….but you ain’t married married until you’ve stood in a line to get into Disney for 2 1/2 hours without stabbing each other.  That is a true test of your friggin love!!!

At this point we are both fed the hell up with no end in sight to this lining up MADNESS so we decided to head back to the hotel for a nap and a cry.  I’m sicker today than I was yesterday so a little rest wouldn’t be the end of the world.  If you need me, I’ll be in my bitch cave for a few hours.

We eventually wandered back to the park in the afternoon, managed to walk straight in and finally get a look at the place.  I’ll be honest it was hard to get my Disney spark back but I’ve spent a lifetime pushing down my feelings and glossing over reality so I straightened my crown and tried to let the pixie dust wash over me.  And let’s face it…..for a details girl, nobody does the detaily-est details better than Disney.

The entrance

The main street was small but very pretty

And the castle…..well she’s a beauty!!!

A real combination of the one at Disneyland and Disneyland Paris.  All pastel perfection!!!

The inside of the castle was rather spesh too….

The crowds don’t seem too bad as we are walking along but we were soon to discover why.

The ride wait times were insane!!!  Like I’ve been to Walt Disney World at Christmas and could get on rides quicker than this.  Two of the most popular ones were Soarin’ which had an over 2 hour wait and Minetrain which I really wanted to ride but there was no way we would’ve lined up for  1 1/2 hours.   #saywhatnowmothafucka.  Not even I am that crazy bah-nay-nay.

The lines for the shows were just as much of a hot mess express.  There just wasn’t any point trying.  This Disney park just does not have enough rides and entertainment to cope with the amount of people they are letting through the gates.  It is a nightmare – an absolute nightmare.  We just decided to wander around checking out the different lands and scenery to kill some time.  Lots of really gorgeous things to see.

I loved this maze

One of the weirdest things was the amount of sleeping people around the park.  I’ve never seen anything like it, not gonna lie!

Then it was time to take up an early position for the parade.  I had done a bit of research for a good spot to set up for good views of the floats and the characters.  Husband was having none of this sitting in the hot sun waiting for dancers and Disney dreams to be restored so he went off walking.  Plus he gets a bit embarrassed by how excited I get when I see my favourite characters hahaha.  What can I say….I’m a child at heart!!!

The parade was really colourful and fun and I found being one of the few westerners in the crowd and my bottle blond hair made it easy to catch the attention of the characters which I of course hated loved and it made for some really gorgeous up close interaction and photos.

I was especially excited to see Mulan as the “main princess”!!!  It’s so unusual for such a powerful character to be the star of the show and I was loving it.

The parade almost made me forget about the earlier disappointments of the day.  Disney parades fill me up with bubbles of happiness!!!

After the parade we had had enough since rides weren’t going to be an option (that is still so ridiculous to me, grrrr) so you guessed it – we headed to The Cheesecake Factory because quite frankly after the day we’ve had it was time to bring on the booze and the bad decisions.  #dealingwithmysadnesswithbubblessince1988

I’m wondering if Disney and I may have to break up.   This is only Part 1 of the saga – coming up is Part 2…..

Day 11 – aka Part 2 of the “Disney Fuckening”

I had a whole Day 2 of the Death of Disney planned to write about but honestly, I just don’t have it in me.  I’m crushed by this experience and couldn’t be more disappointed in Disney as a whole.  I’m just going to give you the abbreviated version:-

• Got up at 5.45am – left for the park at 6.30am, walked there this time to avoid bus
• Hotel guests get to use a special entrance certain days of the week, today is the day
• Special entrance was closed, so all the extra money for the onsite hotel wasted
• Line at entrance was ~if you can farking believe it~ worse than at 7.30am yesterday
• What dafuq?
• We turned around and were back at the hotel by 6.55am
• Cancel plans, life not happening today
• I’m ALOT sicker today than yesterday, what incurable disease have I got
• I’m not crying – it’s allergies
• Literally spent the day in bed
• Eventually late afternoon dragged ourselves back to Cheesecake Factory for beer and bitterness
• Decided to hit the park after dark
• Lined up for the Pirates of the Carribean Ride – reported to be the best version of this ride
• Lined up for 50 minutes
• It is the best version so worth the 50 minute line – almost
• Lined up for Buzz Lightyear for 10 mins, so much fun as always
• Started to watch the fireworks but I was just feeling too sick by now to stay so went back to hotel
• The end

So that guys is the story of the day Disney died for me.  The whole thing cost us an absolute fortune, not a small fortune either – a decent chunk of our kids inheritance fortune.  I normally don’t complain about the cost of Disney because well you get Disney but I didn’t get to see shows or go on rides.  I didn’t meet and greet with even one character.  OMG it was like a terrible nightmare really.  A complete waste of time and money.

I stopped as we walked out of the park and said to husband “I think I’m done with Disney forever now”.  And I think I almost mean it……there I said it – fight me!!!

JUST THROW THE WHOLE OF ALL GODDAMN DISNEY PARKS IN THE TRASH – I’M DONE!!!