Let’s start this thing out with a bang shall we, or a peeing squat!!!!

Gather round and lean in close…..this bit is going to be like when you read the last page of a book first so you know whether you will like the ending and whether you can be stuffed reading the whole thing (except this will be so much more entertaining)

Now to address some pre trip concerns that I expressed in the last blog post……

TOILETS of the SQUATTING VARIETY

I think I could now do a TV show called Real Toilets of People’s Republic of China (a la Real Housewives of New York) so let’s just call it RTOPROC for short.  I have so many stories my friends.  I’m like the Dalai Lama of Squatters and I’m here to share my wisdom with you all.

Public toilets – I used em, literally from the first morning in China (that first toilet is a whole blog post on it’s own), used them every day, saw some things, need a debrief with a mental health professional for some experiences there’s no doubt but overall I got the hang of the squat, found my mojo if you will and ended up not thinking they were too bad at all.  In fact since you don’t actually touch anything with this method it’s kinda more hygienic (if you don’t look in the bin beside you bahahahaa).  So below is what I thought before I went versus the “fun squatty facts”.

• Public Toilets – firstly, just don’t…..well that wasn’t mother forking realistic now was it!
• Try to pick public toilets with doors or else you could be copping-a-squat with a complete stranger doing same across the way…..again this could not always be guaranteed (meanwhile I made some new friends)
• This all assumes I have thigh muscles that will hold me in that squatting position ::which just quietly I don’t::  *noone thought I did I know*….nailed it, albeit not well and lacking some style and grace
• Make sure your pants don’t touch the floor because well public piss – I am at a loss as to how to actually do this other than not to wear pants and that starts up a whole other conversation….I wore pants but no wide legs so crisis of wearing no pants or wearing ‘public piss pants’ averted (you’re welcome China)
• Don’t wear thongs (or butt crack thongs) – cause, see above….as if I would EVER anyway
• No bags or coats because where the F would you hang them (I’m imagining around my neck but them getting the visual of neck dangling, no pants in piss, squat madness and I think I passed out)…..got the husbitch to hold said bag which he just was such a fan of NOT (because it didn’t match his outfit I guess) and no passing out whew
• Don’t lose your balance (or pass out) because with low side partitions what would you grab hold of.  And who the hell would want to touch the walls anyway because yuk…..no balance was lost in the squatting journey however many smell sensors were permanently damaged and some of my vision is now gone
• The low partitions and no doors is making me think I hope my nekid self likes to be “on stage” whilst peeing ~I guess everyone will know if my drapes match my carpet….shudder~…..honestly there was a point where I just wouldn’t have cared
• There is no toilet paper so it’s a BYO-bog roll situ.  The question of whether you fold or scrunch will not come into play, rather did you remember paper or air dry…..small tissue packets are your friend and my lifetime supply was very comforting, especially since I used Disney princess tissues (because of course I did)
• And after all of that paper remembering, you need to not to put the paper down the hole in the floor because they don’t have the septic systems to cope with it so you pop that little baby into a bin beside you.  Yep, you read that right.  You pop your Pees and Poos into the open wastepaper bin beside you, and get a visual of everyone else’s pees and poos eeeeekkkkk…..this was as disgusting as it sounds, not gonna lie
• Never before in my life have I ever wanted a penis as much as I do right now……nope, never wanted a penis
• Please God of Bodily Functions don’t make me need to poo when out……hand on heart I thank Jesus Mary and Joseph every day that this did not transpire. I gave my sphincter a big talking to, this was just a no from me
• Please God of Lady Cycles don’t let me get my ~monthly~ on this trip (another of Mother Nature’s cruelties will no doubt be realised)……alas the holy MF ghost did not grant this prayer and so I am renouncing my catholicism
• Please God of a Motherless Gastro Goat don’t……..well you get where I’m going with this……prayers were luckily answered here ::gets rebaptised Catholic as thanks::

A little tip my friend taught me that I only forgot the one time – don’t wait until you are busting to go to the toilet.  Those squat toilets aren’t very deep and your golden flow damn well shoots back up at you like some nasty ass yellow water feature if you turn the hose on blast so to speak.  Nice and steady wins the race ladies and avoids peepee shoes…..total game changer!!!

Confession – sometimes I did something that I would never ever dare to do here in Australia.  I’m slightly ashamed but decided there are no friends in the Pee Pees Game so sometimes I used the disabled toilets because they were always western toilets.  And actually often if there was a bathroom attendant she would usher me there (obviously seeing my fat useless thighs and taking pity on me). 

I tried several different squatting positions until I found one that worked for me.  OMG, you are so welcome for that little visual my loves!!!  My friend had told me some of the varieties that worked for her and her friends and I set about trying each one until I found the perfect fit for me which is almost as good as finding the perfect bra for your boobage, well almost.  I’m not thinking I was the poster child for squatting but I didn’t pee on my clothes once, fall, or need to touch a wall so I call that a win of epic proportions!!!!

:::: pause for applause ::::

I can now CONFIRM/DENY THE FOLLOWING OTHER RANDOM PRE TRIP MYTHS:-

Queue Jumping – No worse than anywhere else for the most part.  We did have it explained to us the cultural history around this though.  It was not all that long ago, maybe 1-2 generations, that the people of China were given rations and you had to fight tooth and nail to make sure you got your share so your family could eat that week.  We learned that generally speaking the Chinese have a circle of people they care about, their immediate family, then extended family and in the outer circle, close family friends and teachers etc.  Beyond that they really don’t care about others, aren’t worried what other people think and so that cultural mindset coupled with the rations stuff mentioned above – I can see why pushing to get ahead of a cue etc is the norm.  To be honest we mostly found this only happened with the older generation so this all made sense to us and it really wasn’t an issue at all.

Personal Space – this drove Husband crazy but it was always going to.  It wasn’t such a big deal for me – I love a good snuggle with a few thousand of my new BFFs.

Spitting – OMG this is not a myth and it was disgusting and we never got used to it.  It was more the sound of the plegm being hucked/hocked? up that was even worse than the spitting.  Least fave thing about the trip.  Especially when you were walking along the street and heard this right behind you.  I was constantly in ‘Ima cut a bitch if this lands on me’ mode.

Not a smiley people – SO NOT TRUE.  I met so many beautiful, friendly and sweet people and when I think back over the trip it was probably my interactions with locals that was the absolute best bit!!!  I definitely think it all comes down to your attitude going into a trip where you are going to be obviously in the minority.  I always smiled and said hello in my embarrassingly poor Chinese and had wonderful responses from almost everyone.  (although perhaps some folks don’t smile due to dentristry issues – didn’t stop ol’ mate here though, he was a treasure)

Getting on and off the metro – there was no doubt that at times it was like being at a Myer Boxing Day sale but honestly it wasn’t too bad.  (the metros/subways were incredible, so clean and easy to use.  We used them to get around everywhere with zero trouble).  

Facebook – VPN worked perfectly so I didn’t have to have withdrawals from Social Media Mayhem  ~how did we ever live without Mr. Google and his friends Bookface and Instaguru~

Eating dog – I could well have eaten it and not known.  There were many meat things I saw that were questionable and even when trying to order vegetarian meals they often still came with meat in them.  If you have food allergies I would say China may have it’s challenges haha.  (I mean, these could be dog, please no lassie for dindins)

Blondes do have more fun – I am thrilled to announce that I now know what it feels like to be Justin Beiber and be mobbed and have my picture taken and draw lots of stares etc.  I only let the fame go to my head once or twice daily  and from now on I will require my friends to follow me everywhere chanting my name and papparazzing me at all times.  I have come to expect a lot of public attention. Even the Tibetan monks wanted a little LK Cool action. (apologies – bad photography by my soon to be ex-husband if he doesn’t learn to take better photos)

Water – only drank bottled water but decided not to be too precious so we still brushed our teeth from the tap.  I did get sick a few days into the trip and am still sick 6 weeks later so hmmmmm, might need to marinate on that one lol.

KIDS WEARING ASSLESS PANTS – OMG, saw this the first morning we were there and many other times throughout the trip.  It never got old and I tried super hard to take some sneaky pics for ya’ll but wasn’t always successful.  You’ll have to wait for the full blog updates for these. P.S. Pic 1. yes that is a kid doing a No.2 Poo in a public garden along a very busy street, and I’m not judging because sometimes you just gotta go and honsestly we all like to get back to nature for our bodily functions every now and then (you campers know who you are) and Pic 2. well that is a blurry-so-I-wasn’t-caught photo of split pants.  The whole thing about them fascinates me….let’s discuss it further.  Would love to hear your thoughts.

IN SUMMARY

Now that I’ve cleared all of that up in a brief manner I need to tell you guys how much Husband and I loved China.  It was a wonderful country to explore and I am so super happy that we stepped out of our travel comfort zone, put our big girl panties on (I borrowed hubbies spare pair) and had such a wonderful adventure.  I cannot wait to share all of the little stories from the trip and the beautiful piccies I tried to take along the way (all whilst scurrying along behind my hubby).  Proper trip updates to follow.

And if you are thinking about visiting China but are on the fence – just do it!  You will not have any regrets.  My advice is to do alot of planning beforehand and just enjoy all of the beautiful/crazy/amazing sights this country has to offer.  And stop reading this ridiculous blog immediately – go and find a real travel advice blog that can actually help you plan your trip a-sap!!!

For now – love and sloppy kisses…..Lisa xx

Look at my fame-whore hubby ruining my shot hahaha