An early start today as we were booked onto one of those dreaded big bus tours to visit Naples and Pompeii. A huge day of travel and sights for sure but the promise of visiting the ruins of Pompeii had us both leaping out of bed (well I lie, we both stumbled out bleary eyed with many groans and a few scratchy comments but we got out of bed so that’s an achievement right).
I won’t lie – there weren’t many options for getting to Pompeii that worked for our preferred day and budget and mental ability to cope. I was nervous about us catching the train there on our own and hiring a local guide so tried to find a tour that went there #mistake 1. All the really good tours were private ones but I would’ve had to auction off a lung, both kids and make a few porn films to financially make that happen so I compromised and booked a big bus tour that had the best reviews of a bad bunch. What a d!@khead I was! (I still have no idea why it costs so much for private tours to Pompeii…ouch)
You already know where this blog post is heading don’t you…..
I went into the day feeling positive, we were picked up right on time and taken to the big bus tour. I had hoped the tour wouldn’t be full because it’s not peak season yet but alas it was chockers. The main tour guide was a jolly Italian lady with an incredibly thick accent that I hoped I would adjust to as the day went on. What I had not anticipated … and would’ve done a tuck and roll of the bus if I could’ve broken the glass … was that her commentary was going to be given in English, Spanish and French!!!!! What the actual FRIG!!! Sigh……now don’t get me wrong, this chick was a total super hero legend with her languages and part of me was highfiving her awesome skills. But 99% of me was screaming in my head “noooooooo, this is going to drive me insane”. But I cheered myself by thinking, it’s okay Lisa, when we get to Naples we have a local guide showing us the city and then taking us to Pompeii. Just put on your big girl panties and get through the bus trip to Naples. So I settled back and promptly went to sleep to block the “3language tango/shoot me in the head” horror, much to Craig’s disgust since I didn’t see any of the countryside on the way south lol.
Driving into Naples was an eye opener. Thousands and thousands of high rise blocks of slum like flats. I’ve always imagined Naples as a lovely seaside town but that wasn’t the feeling I got from the place at all. It was super rundown looking to me and frankly I was wondering what the Naples hype was all about. My apologies if you are reading this and you were born in Naples or descend from Naples. No offence meant but after touring around for an hour or so the word that sticks in my mind is “shithole”. Craig’s word was “interesting”. So let’s compromise shall we and go with “INTERESTING SHITHOLE”.
This image below is the prettiest I could find….don’t want to bad mouth Naples too much. if I shared some of the images I took noone would ever go lol….(back to planning to never go to Naples again)
I digress…..let’s get onto the local guide who took over in Naples. So imagine an Italian Mickey Rooney … 20 years after his death … dug up from his grave, add another 50 years to him, cross him with Grumpy from the Seven Dwarfs and you have the visual of this elderly gentleman. Now I’m not age-ist but I’m fairly certain this man was around when the Colosseum was built and had the personality of one of the blocks of stone it was built out of. Frak me but how is this man still upright and moving, how did he ever become a tour guide with the charisma of a sloth, why does his nose keep constantly dripping, why does he have zero personality and humour and worst of all….his voice droned on and on like an annoying buzzy bee in my ear and I was seriously questioning whether 100 lashes with a cat-o-nine tales convict style would be the least painless option for the day. I truly don’t have the words *can you believe that* to describe my Holy Mother of Horror at this point.
So we cruise around Naples on a guided tour with BORING MCSNORING which left me comatose *wishing I had one of those hats that hold beers and a straw to medicate myself* and a complete and for certain understanding that I am never needing to visit the city again and then we headed to Pompeii for lunch. We sat with this American duo – a father and his 17 yr old daughter doing a little pre college “daddy/daughter” trip (how sickly sweet – gag!!!!). They were nice enough but the girl is clearly borderline socially inept and made it clear she prefers to stay in her room playing online video games and reading comics (and potentially practicing the dark arts). Ummmm ok toots, I get it, you don’t really wanna be here *quite honestly with this tour guide I feel ya* and I think you are totally nailing the “social reject/potential armpit hair lovin/live in your parents basement” look….(and I did want to give her a little personal tip from me to her that if she didn’t shave that dark beard of hers off, the social high point of her life would likely be a Dungeons and Dragons convention, but I kept that to myself)
*golly gee whiz I really needed some bubbles at this point if I was to avoid stabbery*
The Dad was friendly enough but only wanted to talk about himself and how he is the Master of the Universe when it comes to “Tailgating”. The aussies reading this will think that means driving too close to the car in front lol, but Americans call Tailgating going to sporting events early, setting up their big arse trucks in the carpark with a few friends, transporting your own big arse BBQ there with all the fixins to be grilled and shared around with a few big arse brewskis (US friends, hope I got that right lol). This sounds like wholesome fun-tastic stuff but Aussies are just too lazy for this kind of thing. All that cooking cuts into beer skulling time right???
Anyway lunch was
kinda nice nothing spectactular and did what it was supposed to do – give me energy for the afternoon wandering around the ruins (and I was going to need my energy if I was going to strangle LITTLE OLD MCSNOREY). We headed to the ruins in Pompeii and they were just so amazing to see. It’s truly incredible to me that this whole town was just buried – people and all – under ash from the erupting Mt. Versuvius volcano. So much of it is beautifully preserved, it’s rather astounding. Of course a lot of stuff is in ruins but you would be amazed at how much is still in tact. They have located so many artifacts like jugs, bowls, statues etc. that they can’t even find enough places to house them so they are just stacked in open air sheds. It was like walkiing through Bunnings looking at all the pots you can buy for your plants just thousands of years old pots of course and probs cost a little more I suppose.
This is the way many of the relics are stored, there were lots more storage cages like this
The view down over the modern city of Pompeii
Alas — I am unable to educate you more on Pompeii because being the sooky brat that I am…..once I decide I hate someone, think they are crap, want to behead them and they are putting me to sleep – it’s fair to say I stopped listening to the constant droning of Mr. Magoo and just wandered around taking pretty pictures. I even broke my golden rule of staying near the guide so you can hear what’s being said. I no longer wanted to know and I spent my time plotting ways to inflict pain on him in cruel and unusual ways….all while taking pictures. I was kinda like the dragon from Shrek, breathing fire in his direction but really that was internally. On the outside I was just portraying “RESTING BITCH FACE” like a queen instead. Craig was just laughing at me and my sooky-la-la-ness.
So I’ll end today’s update with pictures rather than more words. As I write I’m feeling more rage for this guide and may need to make a voodoo doll of him to stick needles into it. It’s 6 days later and I thought I had let it go but clearly I’m still holding onto a little violence. He’s just lucky that I didn’t unload some serious truth bombs on his saggy butt at the end.
Let’s hope this is the only tour guide glitch (I’m sure it is….I’m confident about the rest….definitely…maybe….she says as she pours a prosecco and rocks in the corner)
Pompeii was ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE to see and I’m glad I’ve seen it. It had it’s little glitches *aka craptastic guides*but it’s a must must must see place if you can get there. My advice, catch a train there yourself and have a local private guide pre booked that you have researched heaps and heaps.
Tour was with Greenline Tours out of Rome – avoid avoid avoid!!!!
When we got home we just wandered up the street for some more pizza and pasta (day 2 in a row for Lisa and Pizza – tick) and after a long 13 hour day we stumbled home to bed finally!!!!
P.S. Some of my bitch-tasmic friends are making snide comments about all the “loved up couple shots” I’m sharing and I believe some have implied vomit has filled their mouths at the soppiness of it all. Listen ladies….I get it, I hate that stuff too and lordy lord knows The Kelly’s aren’t much for the whole PDA thing and I barely have a nice word to say about the man hehehehe……..but this is our 20th Wedding Anniversary swanning around the world situation and I will damn well be taking couple shots until puke comes out your eyeballs and you my bitchy friends will sit through it and smile cause — if I have to endure this you amazon babes need to endure it right along with me so shut up and smile and nod!!!!! and Enjoy the LOVE!!!!!!!!!
Highs – Pompeii in all it’s awesomeness, sleep
Lows – Tour Guide McSnoozy, Naples (blech), big bus tours
Temps:- High 14/Low 7