Well it’s the day before we jet off and I’m finally organised enough to turn my thoughts to the really important stuff – mainly toileting whilst we are there. I believe from all my research that China is not a ‘short old fat pees-alot’ ladies best friend. You know how you have these preconceived ideas about certain countries and their ways that you’ve heard randomly over the years but know in your head that you are being ridiculous and surely it won’t be like that.
Well apparently what I’ve heard about toilets in some spots in China is not as blown out of proportion as one may hope. Drop toilets and the like….well they still use them in certain places and it would seem I’d be a kissed on the butt by a fairy kinda gal to completely avoid this experience across 3 whole weeks.
So I think it’s time to discuss a few things whirling around in my head with ya’ll:-
- Public Toilets – firstly, just don’t
- Try to pick public toilets with doors or else you could be copping-a-squat with a complete stranger doing same across the way
- This all assumes I have thigh muscles that will hold me in that squatting position ::which just quietly I don’t:: *noone thought I did I know*
- Make sure your pants don’t touch the floor because well public piss – I am at a loss as to how to actually do this other than not to wear pants and that starts up a whole other conversation
- Don’t wear thongs (or butt crack thongs) – cause, see above
- No bags or coats because where the F would you hang them (I’m imagining around my neck but them getting the visual of neck dangling, no pants in piss, squat madness and I think I passed out)
- Don’t lose your balance (or pass out) because with low side partitions what would you grab hold off. And who the hell would want to touch the walls anyway because yuk
- The low partitions and no doors is making me think I hope my nekid self likes to be “on stage” whilst peeing ~I guess everyone will know if my drapes match my carpet….shudder~
- There is no toilet paper so it’s a BYO-bog roll situ. The question of whether you fold or scrunch will not come into play, rather did you remember paper or air dry
- And after all of that paper remembering, you need to not to put the paper down the hole in the floor because they don’t have the septic systems to cope with it so you pop that little baby into a bin beside you. Yep, you read that right. You pop your Pees and Poos into the open wastepaper bin beside you, and get a visual of everyone else’s pees and poos eeeeekkkkk
- Never before in my life have I ever wanted a penis as much as I do right now
- Please God of Bodily Functions don’t make me need to poo when out
- Please God of Mother of Cycles don’t let me get my ~monthly~ on this trip (another of Mother Nature’s cruelties will no doubt be realised)
- Please God of a Motherless Gastro Goat don’t……..well you get where I’m going with this
Learn the Chinese words for “hahahaha look at that stupid bitch pissing on herself” so I know when people are laughing at my lack of drop toilet skills
WELL AT LEAST WE’LL ALL GO HOME WITH A STORY (and some nightmares that will require years of therapy)
Some other myth/thingos I’m keen to debunk:-
Queue Jumping – this CANNOT BE A THING, surely. I am such a rule follower this could be the episode that really tips me over the “don’t push in front of me” edge. Seriously, I’ll cut a bitch if this happens at Disney. Noone gets between me and Snow White!
Personal Space – apparently this is fake news and there is no such thing (as personal space and fake news of course)
Spitting – I’m really not a fan of people hocking a loogey where I’m walking but hey, I can adapt :: that last bit was a lie :: ewww ::
Not a smiley people – I know this can’t be true, deep in my smiley soul. My girlfriend who lives there has told me I must let go of my need to make everyone like me because it will not work in China. They will look at my sunshiny smiley face and think I need to be checked into a mental health facility. And lord knows they would be right but not for the reasons she says. I think I will be able to prove this silly myth wrong within minutes.
Getting on and off the metro – all research suggests that norms of letting people off before you hop on is not a thing and best to consider yourself a participant in The Hunger Games with an every “amazing amazon” woman for herself. If husband doesn’t make it he doesn’t make it – he’s insured!
Facebook – if you are like me you want to keep up with Susie telling you how perfect her husband is as he brings her breakky in bed after letting her sleep in :: gag me, cough cough, lying bitch :: and Doug just built a deck with his fireman mates with no shirts on and you know you want to see that and OMG let’s not miss out on Betty-Sue’s offspring all receiving Nobel Peace prizes this week (or learning how to crap in the toilet). I can’t miss out on everyones “lying” life. And ok, sometimes you just want to Poke someone. But, oh no… You can’t. Because you’re in China. (I downloaded a VPN ‘whatever that is’ and hopefully this will help me with all of the above)
Eating dog – I feel sure that this is not a true-ism but just be sure I’m leaving my furbaby Archie at home just in case. And will be mostly vego whilst there hehehe
Blondes do have more fun – this is one I hope to find out is 100% true. Apparently blondes in some areas aren’t something they get to see all the time and so with my bottle bought brand of bombshell I hope to be the star of many a photoshoot on my travels. Stay tuned on the evolution of my FAME!!!
Water – can’t drink it, can’t brush with it but what happens when you wash your hair and cop a gobful of shampooy watery goodness??? When you have to use waterless hand sanitizer after you wash your hands under the tap, you know you’re in China appaz.
KIDS WEARING ASSLESS PANTS – this one needs some discussion. I feel this surely cannot be a thing because well Assless Pants says it all right. Apparently this is so they can cop-a-squat wherever they are. Talk about toilet training on the go my friends. If I see a kid backing one out on the street, well of course I will take some sneaky photos for you guys first but then I’ll run screaming. And I guess peeing in the street won’t be shocking after being to Paris which completely just stinks of urine. (Actually this assless pant thing may be the solution to my drop toilet problems folks….what do you think???)
Well whew, I’ve got all of those myths and anxieties out in the open so now I feel sure none of it will be a big issue and it will all be smooth sailing. Up at 4am in the morning folks so you know I’ll be spending tonight drinking too much champagne and forgetting to pack a bra but hey it’s all part of the fun and games of overseas travel!!!!
See you on the other side my loves….xxx
P.S. I’ll be sniffing out those western toilets like a cadaver dog smells a dead body. Never will I be so glad to sit my ass onto a toilet seat filled with other people’s STD’s and piss (words I never thought I would utter)(that’s probably a lie)
P.P.S. If you’re in China, always go to the bathroom before you leave home!
